“No regrets, no losses, just lessons. Life is a big classroom.” Senetta Diane
One of the attributes of someone with high emotional intelligence is that they’re a life-long learner. While the world pauses this weekend to evaluate the past year and make goals for the coming one, in the realm of learning from our life, how are we doing? Usually being a life-long learner applies to the act of continuing to learn about the world and people around us. I’m a full supporter of that; however, in this post, I’d like us to consider: what are we learning from our lives? Are we learning from our relationships? Are we noticing our patterns? If there’s something that keeps us stuck or is destructive? Are we seeking help? Are we growing in love and grace?
In the classroom, I teach the literary skill So What? As in, so what’s the point of this book, and why did we read it? What will we carry from it into our lives? What did we learn about people? Outside of the classroom, we can ask the same question, except we replace the book for our experiences. So what’s the point of that rejection/confusion/frustration? What did I learn about people in that interaction? What will I carry with me from that relationship? What did I see that I want to emulate or feel that I want to feel again?
As I add to my hours of listening to others and analyzing myself, I believe more strongly every year that we have more agency than we realize. Unfortunately, I’ve spent my years decades doing the same unhealthy activities, attending the same functions in which I wasn’t valued, told myself the same lie that if I kept trying, they’d improve. Too often, despite feeling unsettled by feelings and experiences, I pushed them aside, moved past it. In the rhythm of life, dinners must be made, bathrooms must be cleaned, life goes on. Sometimes that’s perfectly fine.
But then… so what? Ever have an “‘ope! Not doing THAT again!”? More often than not, we DO do that again, much to our great disappointment. Or, we don’t even realize how caught up we are in the flow of the muscle memory of repeating what we know isn’t successful.
Most of us are familiar with the definition of insanity1 and yet we still play in that pool. We get in a line with our people, start circling the pool, legs and torso pushing against the water. Lean into it, you’re getting momentum now. Everyone going in the same direction…good. In no time at all that whirlpool doesn’t even need your help. Can you picture it? Lift your feet and it’ll push you along; it does all the movement for you because within that water tornado, four forces are at work: inertia, gravitation, viscous, and friction.
Now, give each of those forces a name or a situation in your life. You all go round and round, year after year very comfortable with your familiar direction. What happens when there’s a disturbance on the water? Not much. All that is set in motion continues. One day you decide - for whatever reason - you’ve had it. You’re making no progress; you notice outside the pool that others are moving in a straighter line or upward. That looks appealing! You want that, too, so you push against the force. Being in a line, that means the others crash into you. They happen to like the circle so they’re irritated, maybe even yell at you. This is what we do! Don’t change a thing! This works for us! Resigned, you don’t resist and find yourself swept up again in the same direction of the other forces in your life. Sigh. Another month goes by, then another year, then another decade.
Over coffee, a friend told me how her life had changed dramatically over the last few months. In actuality, it was in a matter of an hour. She learned alarming news and said, “Not in my pool.” She jumped in and booted out those forces. Outside the metaphor, she made phone calls that meant she’d spend no more time on committees that could function without her. She made appointments, sought advice, made drastic cuts. Basically, she all but drained that pool. Because of those actions in that precious moment of realization that something had to change, she made those changes. How are things months later? Steadily improving. A new normal can be accomplished.
Immensely impressed, I noticed that usually these scenarios look like this: “I know…I don’t like it/ I’ve had enough/ I can’t do it anymore/ that was the last straw”…all said while circling. We do the same things the next day, tolerate the same behavior next week, endure the sadness for another month, bemoan the lack of change another year. I only know this because I’ve been there. However, a huge event caused me to take a look at every molecule of the water I was drowning in: So what is the purpose of this? So what am I going to do to change what I want and need to be changed? How will I mitigate how the others feel about it? Since I was the one drowning, I had to think of myself first.
Ultimately, the key question I had for myself was: Is this the abundant life God has for me? It’s true that He leads us through lean and dark times, usually because something richer awaits us on the other side. But was I wandering around unnecessarily because of my own failure to see the big picture? Did He want more for me than the same dang circling in unhappy and unhealthy waters? I believed He did.
Here’s what I’ve learned from my own time in the whirlpool: we have the ability to do something drastic. After your world falls apart and you must make radical changes, you find you can do them. How much better if you’d done them of your own volition because you realized you could implement the change you needed in your life?
In my situation, long before I changed churches, I knew I needed to, but I rationalized why I should stay a little longer, aka expect different results. Long before I left an unhealthy group of “friends,” I extended more grace, gave more benefits of my doubts, made more excuses for their behavior and accepted lame reasons for them being repeatedly rude and unkind. Other examples exist, but you get it: I remained a victim of the whirlpool instead of saying, “I’m out of here” and then actually leaving. Within an hour I could have made changes that would have dramatically improved my life. I didn’t; until I had to. And then I did.
Once I gained clarity, I grieved the time I lost, the tears I wept, the people I loved insufficiently. I spent too long thinking I couldn’t change my life’s circumstances…the reasons usually revolved around how others would respond. I didn’t give them any credit for their willingness to support what I needed (or their compassion and flexibility.) “You’re drowning, you say? What can we do?” That’s what I heard instead.
Dear reader, I want that clarity and freedom for you, too. It’s so liberating! Think about what you want to change and realize that you probably can change it. Maybe not completely, some situations are immovable, but maybe you aren’t; some people are inflexible, but maybe you aren’t; some folks are rigid, but maybe you aren’t. Once I made the big changes I so feared, I saw that to others, it was merely a ripple on the surface. Nothing ground to a stop; no one died; nothing fell apart. Instead, I came together.
Most of my posts are written from the perspective of the deck. For so long I felt I had nothing to say and that’s because instinctually, I knew I was caught in a whirlpool. Thanks to God plucking me out and supportive friends and a whole lot of work and perseverance, I write from a healthier place. May you be able to say the same.
If you find that this post blessed you or think the insights would bless another, please pass it along. It’s such an encouragement!
-Sue
1 Insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results.
A beautiful, inspiring read, Sue. Am launching ‘24 with this post in my flight plan.
Excellent writing! I posted it on my Facebook page.
We always read in Psalms 139 about how we are wonderfully made. Unfortunately so many people do not have the courage or take the time to understand who they really are and why God made them.
I strive to live by these three truths.
1. Ihave a truly unique purpose in this world.
2. I am called to a truly unique ministry.
3. It is my responsibility to understand and fulfill the ministry that God has for me. That means that my ministry will look completely different from the ministries of others.