If you’ve ever vacationed somewhere fabulous, you know how fun it is to share the hot spots that you want your friends to see should they go themselves. See the art in Coit Tower in San Francisco, eat a lobster roll in Fanuiel Hall in Boston, hike up to the Hole in the Wall in Phoenix1. “If you go to X, be sure to Y,” is a common declaration after a vacation. ‘We had a great time; we want you to, too!’ These experiences enriched us somehow, they made us happy or taught us something or was simply beautiful. Years later, I still remember some of these travel highlights well and they warm my soul.
This morning I greeted a woman who is normally cheery. Today she was weary. “How are you?” was answered with “Trusting the Lord. That’s all I can do.” Has something happened? Out came the story. Her 32-year-old cousin’s husband took his life a few days ago. Two elementary kids at home. Life has stopped. “I have no idea how to help her. I just stood there and prayed,” she said. She then explained how she just wants this year over. Too many hard things have occurred and she’s just done. She’ll still trust God; she’ll support her family, but she’d also love a break!
I’ve been to this “vacation spot” before. Actually, it was more like a temporary relocation. For a handful of years, I remember those same feelings of bereavement, those same unfamiliar surroundings, the same series of bad news. After multiple hits, you brace yourself for more negative news. Sadly, it often comes.
Thankfully, life evens out, routine becomes worry’s sly assassin2. The other shoe doesn’t drop, and days without incident stack atop the other. From that time you have memories, though. You could advise another on what to do and what not to do. You’ve been there, after all.
In a time of hardship, no one wants a lecture or advice. However, I have every confidence that this woman was going to be a blessing to her cousin. Someone who has lived through this same hardship told me recently that it wasn’t so much what people said or did in the days immediately after; it was the visits, calls, invitations and coffee dates weeks and months later when the sting was very sharp for them yet while others had seemingly forgotten.
From that memory, I could assure this woman that though she didn’t feel useful now, her cousin would remember her visits, prayers, and hands-on love in the weeks, months, and years that will follow. She will be that strong positive memory during a dark, lonely time. Being there for someone is a must-see. It’s a ‘If you go through X, you must do Y’ which is encourage, remember, console, cry with that person.
The sweetest part of that conversation for me was how she looked at me when she said, “Thank you for asking!” Well…sure! It underscored for me how much a simple transaction like that can be so meaningful. We want to be seen and heard; we want people to remember, to ask; we want to share. It’s so easy to breeze through our days skimming the surface with others. I’m fine; it’s all good; keepin’ busy! It’s kind of like saying we visited a city but only laid-over in the airport.
When I hear painful stories, I often hear a bit of an apology, as in, It’s kind of embarrassing that I’m going through this divorce/recovery/hardship. I’ve been to that city, too. Don’t worry. We each will spend time there and experience its highs and lows. Having visited there, or finding ourselves stuck there in a long layover, we can bless another just by asking. Communicate that you’re a safe place. Then…don’t forget. Later, asking about a situation or remembering the person’s name who died will mean those experiencing the doldrums won’t feel so leprous, so different from the rest.
How do we stay focused on Jesus this season? Counter to our culture’s message of consumerism, retain your focus on Christ by seeing others. Loretta Ross-Gotta3, an American author and chaplain, suggests that with all the intensity and strain that many of us bring to Christmas, it may suggest to onlookers that we have not gotten the point of it. Perhaps she’s right. Instead of doing something, be something this Christmas. Be a quiet center of peace, a dwelling for God.
These are my real suggestions and I’m happy the list can go on: Mrs. Backer’s in Salt Lake City, the Hexagon House in Pentwater, MI; The Garden of the Gods in Colorado, Pearl Street in Boulder, the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose, CA; Grand Haven State Park in MI.
I can’t take credit for such a collection of words. Leif Enger is the owner of “Routine is worry’s sly assassin.” I think of it often so it came out naturally in my sentence. He deserves the credit, though.
Loretta Ross-Gotta, a Presbyterian clergywoman, directs an ecumenical sanctuary for prayer.
"I've been in that city, too." Such a thoughtful analogy, Sue, and for being there during my long layover.