Why I'm writing

Never be afraid to suck at something new.

As I entered the empty nest stage, I can’t tell you how often I’d take a walk so I could talk to God, pleading with Him to illuminate His plan for me. What am I supposed to do with my time, my gifts? After years of watching for a sign, trying a few avenues, it’s felt right to settle into writing. Not settle for, but settle into, because it sure feels comfortable!

It wasn’t so long ago that a wise woman was encouraging me to use my voice and I told her I have nothing to say. (She didn’t like that answer.) Yes, I’d spoken at plenty of conferences and retreats, I teach so am always speaking, but now? I wasn’t so sure. I waffled between feeling confident and switching to the belief that I have nothing to say.

Raised in near silence, I was told to “keep [your] mouth shut” many times. No one wanted to hear what I had to say and if I did try to engage, it wasn’t like a healthy conversation which should resemble a game of catch. This image has always worked for me. Imagine your sentences or thoughts like a softball that you’re tossing to your conversation partner. Recently, I’ve tossed the ball to someone only to have them hold it to their chest and not give it back. I’ve also been on the receiving end of what felt like a tennis ball machine set on high. Both are extreme, but sadly not uncommon.

As I adulted, I also had too many times where I’d think or say, “You’re not listening to me!” with the inevitable conclusion that proved my point that it was best not to say anything at all. Plenty of times that didn’t work or only made things worse. I was caught in a non-communication loop. Now I’m trying to find my voice and one tool to accomplish that is writing.

I write because I feel compelled; it makes me feel most ‘me’ just like when I’m at a whiteboard teaching a concept, drawing figurative lines to ideas, tracing an author’s trajectory….I love that and hope to do a form of that here.

What’s helped? Learning who is safe, who has earned the right to hear my story, being more confident, and less concerned about other’s reactions. Most importantly, long ago, in my speaking days, I embraced Psalm 40 where it says, “I do not seal my lips, I speak of your faithfulness and salvation… I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.” (vs 9-11) He has “put a new song in my mouth” (vs 3) and I told Him I’d share it, so now I must! And I’m happy to do so.

By His mercy, I’m gaining in living wisdom as in, I’m paying attention, noting what works and what doesn’t, learning from the mistakes of others and my own, and I believe I can articulate that better than before. And, I’m trying. I know from years of being a baseball mom that it’s always better to swing and miss than watch a ball go by. When the ball thwups into the catcher’s mitt, best to not be caught standing there looking. So, I’m swinging.

Also, I wonder if this isn’t an avenue to this question I’ve asked many times: “How can I repay the Lord for all his goodness to me?” (Psalm 116:12) He has indeed been so, so good to me. It’s not possible to repay Him, but it’s certainly possible to honor Him and deflect any good thing away from myself and onto Him. That’s why I write! It’s the answer to my prayer and I hope I can bless someone else, too, not just myself.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate all of you, Sue