What everybody wants:

friendship and belonging

I recently returned from a retreat center tucked at the base of a mountain and tended by master gardeners that offers rest and comfort amid Eden-like beauty. After placing my things in my room, I returned to the main lodge to see if any of my retreat teammates needed my help with anything. Preparing for women to arrive soon, my mind focused on my to-do list. A woman in her 30s stopped me and introduced herself. Well! This was new! Usually, I’m doing the introducing. I knew I’d be engaging with this bright-eyed, beautiful lady and sure enough, as soon as I had a chance, I plopped next to her with my plate of charcuterie, ready for a get-to-know-you chat.

Within a minute, the dam of her tears broke, and she covered her face in her hands. We scooted out of the row as the others sang a worship song and headed to a quieter place to talk. Out poured her story. It was painful, fraught with indecision, framed as a lose-lose.

“I almost didn’t come…I don’t know anybody…but God wouldn’t let up about it.” She laughed weakly. “I guess I needed it.” Yes, she needs what we all need: support, connection, friendship, and belonging. I assured her that she’d leave with more contacts in her phone and a confirmation that God hears her. I was going to do what I could to make sure of it.

In my role of connecting people at our church, I sometimes ask people what they most need. A few are bold enough to flat-out admit that they need friends and I applaud them for it. Rare is the person who says they have enough friends (though I do know a few).

It’s not news that people are lonelier than ever before; people are desperate for connection…and yet it’s harder than ever to meet and make friends. One writer, Kristen Strong, who had moved multiple times in their still-young marriage, told her husband she wanted to plop a sign in their front yard: Woman Desperately Seeking Friends. He nixed that idea, but the goal remained. She needed friends!

In my reading and my interactions with people at church - men and women alike - I can confirm that people crave belonging. And why wouldn’t they? People live happier, healthier, and better (so they report) lives with strong social connections. However, finding those social connections on their own proves difficult. A duo in Seattle recently began a new business¹ expressly for those in their 20s and 30s who long for friendships but have had trouble finding them, perhaps thanks to what’s known regionally as the Seattle Freeze.

One can certainly thrive at a group that hosts a Crunch and Brunch or Wine Tour but overwhelmingly, it’s been proven that religion, for all its reputational baggage, can provide people with the kind of robust communities they desire. “There is overwhelming empirical support for the value of being at a house of worship on a regular basis on all kinds of metrics — mental health, physical health, having more friends, being less lonely,” said Ryan Burge, a former pastor and a leading researcher on religious trends.²

Lauren Jackson wrote a fabulous article called “Believing,” in which she laid out the three B’s that religion offers people: beliefs about the world, behaviors to follow, and belonging in a community or culture. She received plenty of responses to her article. Her readers landed not so much on those first two points, but on the last one. “They said they wanted to belong — in rich, profound, and sustained ways,” Lauren said.

For some of you, attending a church may not be the answer; I understand that. However, wherever you are, you can manifest the energy of acceptance so that those around you feel like they belong. If you’re talking in a group and see someone by themselves, invite them to join you. See someone sitting alone? Ask them to pull up a chair. Your body language can go a long way in expressing welcome. Pay attention to that. Usually we just go about our day, doing our thing… but we’re surrounded by lonely people. Can you make space for one of them even for a brief moment?

The lady I spoke with at the retreat? She left with a big smile on her face. Were her issues solved? Not even close; in fact, they’ll probably get worse first, but she knows that because she found a small group of women who walked her path 10, 15 and 30 years ago. They get it. They named her pain and answered her questions before she spoke them. She left knowing she wasn’t going to do her life alone anymore. “But I don’t have any family around here.” In unison, her new supporters said, “We’re your family now.”

As she drove home, she reflected on all that happened this weekend and wants to give back. Though only attending our church for a handful of months, she wants to seek out other women who need what she found: connection and belonging. I know she’ll turn those bright eyes toward someone else who needs it because she has walked in their shoes. Soon I’ll hear the stories of how she listened while another woman cried, or how she introduced someone to another who would be a supportive friend. She will because she’s experienced it herself.

Would you join her and me in this endeavor? Someone needs you and you may need them. I can testify to how much fun it is, that is, unless your friend list is already too full.

Blessings!

Sue

1. Seattle Times, June 22, 2025

2. “America Wants a God” - The New York Times, April 21, 2025